Before him, there was guilt and you…

I wish I could say sorry, wish that my words would do more than anger and humiliate you,
Wish that you knew I meant every word, that I felt defeated and broken from the actions and consequences I’ve elicited form you,
But my heart is full, and I’ve never been happy in the simply, beautiful way before,
And I refuse to give that up for anyone, including myself.
I know I’m not blameless; we’re all to blame in this mess of a situation,
But…sometimes people come into your life to show you what you what you’re missing,
What you need and want rather than sufficed with what you have.
But I wish you knew how much I tried to fight it,
I wish you knew that this guilt would follow me through this life and the next.

He came to me like a storm,
Unexpected and messy, but so uplifting from the flood I’d almost drown in.
He was…everything when he shouldn’t have been.
And I couldn’t have stop my heart from clinging to him if I tired.
But he wasn’t mine to crave, and I knew, I knew he wasn’t.
But that didn’t stop the dreams,
The way my mind would wander to him, randomly, surprisingly,
I would hate myself as it did, but I never thought it would be anything more,
And I would drown myself in another, for a brief reprieve of him.
My defense mechanisms have gone haywire from being with him,
And you wouldn’t know it, but my emotional stability was sound before him,
I prided myself on it even, being able to think clearly and with my head,
But…it seems he’s crawled his way down, buried himself deep inside my without my knowledge, and I’m not even mad.

I wish I could say I was sorry,
That I wish things didn’t work out the way that did,
But that would make me a liar,
And I’m trying to improve myself in ways I never thought before,
Because before him, all I had was the guilt and you,
And that’s no way to continue living when my heart is bursting at the seams,
So forgive me, not now, but maybe one day,
And I hope you can find your true happiness, and not the false one lapsed in years of comfort and familiarity.
I truly wish one day you’ll hear the words and not think twice about that boy that wronged you.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Nitin says:

    You are so good at expressing such conflicted emotion. You’re a terrific expressionist Kristen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much Nitin !! 😊❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Nitin says:

        You’re very welcome 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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